Ahh, that eternal dilemma, “What should I prioritize, Work or Relationships, Marriage or Career?” If this question has not crossed your mind even once in your life, then you are probably living in some parallel universe or you are a super human.
For the longest period of time, this question or dilemma was gender specific. Mostly women had to face this internal conflict. The societal belief that the onus of keeping the home together is on the woman was responsible for them going through this dilemma more than men. But times have changed. With women playing more roles than just a wife, mother or homemaker, the outlooks have changed. But the dilemma of having to choose between marriage and career didn’t disappear. It rather became more gender neutral. Now, men too have come to understand that career is not just for them and marriage is not a one way traffic.
While this should have indicated that more women are now choosing career over marriage and relationship, statistics have a different story to tell. As per data published by the World Bank, India has a very poor LFPR (Labour Force Participation Rate) and over the years, it has only deteriorated instead of improving. Current data says that 79% of Indian women (15years and above age) do not even seek work. While this survey doesn’t account for many crucial factors and miss many deeper points, there is no second question that women are more challenged by the need to strike a balance between Marriage and Career. That doesn’t make things any easy for men. The structure of the society may have changed, we may have less number of joint families now, but the expectations from a woman and a man have not seen much change.
The bottom-line remains the same: irrespective of the economic background, the pressure of balancing career and marriage is crippling more young men and women than ever before. So how does one take a pick? What should be ideally the choice for the greater good?
It’s complicated!
No, I didn’t mean relationships are complicated or men and women are complicated. The last thing I am aiming for is a gender war. The purpose of this blog is to help a reader choose what’s best for him or her, not to confuse someone looking for an answer.
The reality is, Marriage and Career are not absolute parameters to measure happiness, success or that ever-elusive sense of fulfillment. Whether it is a man or a woman, each individual is likely to attach a different emotion and significance to each of these two things. A man can consider romantic getaways more important than business tours. For him, giving time to his marriage, spending time with his spouse, would be more important. A woman can consider a business meeting more lucrative than the date. She may choose to focus on her career. These two individuals cannot be measured on the same scale, nor be generalized.
What’s the middle path?
So, is there no way to decide, which one you should prioritize, marriage or career? The answer lies not in the choice one has to make but in the changes that one has to experience.
If there is anything unique about human behaviour, it is unpredictability. You can, at any given point, predict how a certain animal would behave or respond. But good luck predicting how a person is going to feel and respond to a particular situation. So how can you prescribe a standard choice to guarantee perfectionism?
If you look a little deeper, you will realize that the problem is not with whether you should prioritize marriage or career. The greater trouble is to make sure that none are hurt, annoyed or disturbed by your choice of either marriage or career.
Under the pressure to fit into a certain belief that the society has imposed, many young couples go through stress and conflicts. Neither can be blamed for choosing career over marriage or vice versa, but the outcome can be traumatic for both, if the choices are not well thought through. It’s not a question about who chose what, who prioritized marriage and who chased career. It’s about what each of those two individuals experienced at the end of the choice and whether they could feel a sense of relief upon making that decision.
The society has, for a long time, generalized the role of a man and a woman. The man is supposed to be the earning member of the family, the woman is supposed to be the homemaker: that’s how the roles were defined earlier. But nowhere does this definition take into account an individual’s capability, preference or potential. Gender bias is probably all about this definition.
As more girls and boys, specially in urban India, are choosing to pursue their careers, the more young individuals are becoming skeptical about the institution called marriage. “I don’t have time for marriage”, say many young, financially independent women. “Do you get good girls who can look after my home?”, ask young men who are professionally settled. Seldom do people talk about balance, that may not be as elusive as people misconstrue.
Why balance is important?
We humans, fundamentally, require a few things for our existence. Just like we need food, shelter and clothing as our basic needs, we also need love, connection and significance. A financially independent individual is definitely going to feel more significant than their unemployed counterparts. But a life centered around career alone can leave a person feeling lonely and burnt out. Companionship and love are no less important than basic needs like food and shelter. Marriage is an institution designed to give us that: connection and love. Similarly, expecting the romance to cover up for ambition is rather silly too. The sense of significance that one can get from professional success cannot be covered up by sharing room, food and cuddles. Clearly, choosing career OR marriage, or prioritizing one over the other, is not the challenge, bringing about a balance is the key.
How to get there?
The key to bringing about balance in anything is understanding your own self first. Before trying to juggle anything in life, be it personal or professional, marriage or career, focus on the long term plan. Then ask yourself a simple question, “What is it that I want eventually?”
The question is simple, but usually, it leaves one most baffled. While trying to understand whether you should choose career or marriage, do pause and ask yourself, what “LONG TERM RESULT” you want and whether that can be achieved by that choice. More often than not, we are driven by the immediate results that we can calculate.
“If I don’t agree to marriage right now, my boy friend will leave me.”
“If I move to a different city for career, my parents and my wife won’t be happy”.
“If I don’t take the promotion in my career now, I won’t get anymore opportunities.”
“My husband will not like it if I take up new roles that are more demanding at work.”
It’s pretty easy to fall into the trap of fears and doubts. These are responsible for the dilemma, because your thoughts are governed by the immediate challenges it can see and the threats it can possibly imagine. Strangely enough, these doubts and fears are not about what you want or don’t want, they are about what could happen as a consequence of your choice. Marriage/ relationships or career are not the factors leading to confusion, because in most cases one knows what he/she is going to be most happy about.
A girl who wants to pursue her career is certain that she should say ‘no’ to the marriage proposal her parents are thrilled about. Another girl who wants a family is willing to forego her promotion and devote her time to shaadi.com or jeevansaathi.com to find her man. However, the decision making process becomes a massive problem because the brain tries to figure out the way that is going to be easiest to follow through. Can’t blame the brain. Its job is to keep you safe and happy. While the first girl doesn’t want to annoy her parents, the second one doesn’t want to miss out on her promotion. Who is correct? Can you answer it correctly?
To each his own.
Every individual is free to choose how they want their life to be. But no one free from the consequences of their choices. It doesn’t matter what you focus on and prioritize. Each would come with its own set of challenges and hurdles. Marriage won’t be a bed of roses, career won’t be a smooth climb up the ladder of success. Each is going to take you through the high tides and low tides. So don’t even try to make the ‘perfect choice’ of picking one over the other. Rather, have a clear vision of where you want to see yourself 5/10/15yrs from now: emotionally, financially and socially. Choose whatever supports your long term vision.Whatever you choose, do not underestimate the power of the people around you to question the feasibility, morality and justification of your choice. People’s opinions can be lethal enough to cut through your rock-solid decisions. Such opinions can shake your confidence and make you feel like a failure. The good news is, it can be avoided completely.
“How? You can’t stop people from commenting about your life and choices!”
True. You can’t stop people from giving you ‘expert opinion’ about YOUR life. You can’t tell them to not judge you for your choice of marriage or career. But you can definitely switch on the DND mode of your brain. Let the opinions flow past you. Develop a duck’s back, on which water doesn’t stand. Be confident enough to face the consequences of your choices, good or bad. Most importantly, be unapologetic about what you consider worthy of your focus: marriage or career.