Humans are social beings and our relationships govern almost all aspects of our lives. The quality of one’s life is dependent on the quality of one’s relationships. The dynamics of each relationship is different from the other, yet, together they form the basis of our happiness, success and well-being. But these relationships are not restricted to mere people. They extend beyond our personal and professional associations, family and friends. We may not notice it or think about it deeply, but our relationship with certain intangible things also rule our lives. These may be some emotions or even some words, but they impact the way we think, behave and act at any given point of time.
For now, let’s see how our relationship is with the word ‘NO’.
On its face value, the word NO has a very negative connotation. We do not like to hear it anywhere from anyone. Whether it is a little boy seeking permission to eat ice-cream or a teenager asking for a new phone, no one likes to take NO for an answer. However, from ‘No talking in class’ to ‘No, we can’t give you this project’, we face this word every day, at every age. Little do we understand, how this random word affects us or our perception about ourselves. Here’s your chance to pause, take note and evaluate: how do you associate with the word ‘No’? You may be surprised to discover that many of your current situations, which you are probably trying to escape from desperately, are a result of your unpleasant relationship with this single word.
Let’s understand how.
Our brain has two basic functions: To keep us safe and to keep us happy. The word ‘NO’ certainly doesn’t live up to make us happy. It denotes curtailment of freedom, prohibition and refusal, all things that, in a big way or small way, make us feel sad. We feel free, appreciated and loved when we hear ‘Yes’ for our choices, decisions, opinions or preferences. Experts have observed that on an average, a toddler hears the word ‘NO’ a whooping 400 times a day. But seldom do we give a thought as to what effect or impact it has on the child. Studies have already proven that children who hear the word ‘No’ too much have poor language skills and even develop behavioral problems in later life also. Children who are disciplined without being rejected for their choices and opinions tend to be m
ore open to learning and have more empathy towards people and situations. Therefore, more and more psychologists, researchers, educationists and behavioral scientists are propagating for newer methods of disciplining children, with more positive feedback.
With these studies, it is proven beyond doubt that our not-so-pleasant relationship with the word ‘NO’ starts from childhood itself. As adults, when life starts happening to us, we may stop seeking for permission, but we still seek appreciation and acceptance. It is like a default setting in our head. When we receive validation, appreciation and support, we feel motivated and inspired to do better. Needless to say, the opposite happens when we face rejection.
One of the main reasons why we remain stuck in the situation that we want to get out of is the fear of rejection. Of all the fears that a person harbors in his head, fear of rejection is one of the strongest. People sit on their ideas instead of implementing them, decisions are delayed, action is not initiated and plans are shelved, simply because people are afraid of hearing the word ‘NO’. The rejections that one has probably faced in younger days become an imprint that governs the behaviour in later age. Change seems like an impossibility, because people assume the rejection even before facing it.
“But is that word ‘NO’ really that bad?”, one may ask. Many parents have actually come to me with this question: “Should I not discipline my child? How can I NOT forbid him from doing something wrong?” In fact, a lot of people misconstrue the ‘omission of No’ in disciplining the child as ‘spoiling the child’. However, that is not true.
Instead of saying, “No, you can’t watch TV”, a more positive sentence like, “Well, you can, but how about doing something more fun, like some drawing or craft?” can have a totally different impact on the child’s mind. Giving ‘NO’ a miss is not equal to saying ‘Yes’. Disciplining is all about setting reasonable boundaries, which can be done without taking a negative approach. But this piece of advice is for the parents who are facing the dilemma now. What about the adults who are hearing ‘NO’ in their head, even when no one around them is saying it aloud? What about those who are feeling the fear of rejection for real?
For them, the only way forward is to create a positive association in the head with the specific word. To begin with, remember that not all ‘NO’s are meant to be taken as a setback. Sometimes, it may be just a word of caution. At other times, the ‘NO’ may be preventing you from further damage. Your financial advisor saying ‘NO’ to you for bad business idea is not a setback. Your doctor saying ‘NO’ to your unhealthy food habits is not an indication of your failure. This word, said at the right time, could rather be life (and money) saving. Sometimes, you too need to say a firm NO, to keep away from things that are not good for you. Interestingly, people who are scared of hearing ‘NO’ are also scared of saying it, when need arises. Simply understanding the fact that a NO doesn’t necessarily mean a defeat, could change the way one associates with it.
A person who has too many reference points or experiences in his life, where he has faced rejections, is more likely to consider the word ‘NO’ as a huge challenge. Even the slightest rejection could seem like a road block to him. To change this, one must consciously choose to think about the final outcome that one expects or intends to get from their efforts. Focusing on the goal is a great way to make your brain think about ways to bypass or overcome rejections, rather than get stuck on it. But this may not be as easy as it sounds. It takes consistent and conscious efforts to train your brain to look beyond the rejection, particularly if you’re someone who is experiencing this fear. One must analyze the reason for rejection, if any, and be aware that experiences of previous rejections are part of history and not current reality. It requires persistence to take the ‘NO’ in the stride and determination to move ahead.
Thankfully, the beauty of the human brain is that it is the most complex yet most adaptable supercomputer. We can easily feed new information to the brain and upgrade the way it thinks. To make it believe that NO isn’t all that negative, all one needs to do is change the way he associates with the word.
In case you are still thinking that changing your association with ‘NO’ is impossible, let me tell you, “NO, it is possible”.