The fundamental need of any human being is to be happy. Whatever be the age, gender, occupation or faith, one simply wants to be happy and content in life. Multiple factors like career, finance, social life, etc. contribute towards our happiness, emotional wellness and therefore, our mental health. Probably, the most significant of them, that plays a vital role in the quality of life we lead, is our relationships. Whether we acknowledge it or not, we thrive when we are able to enjoy the comfort of strong, beautiful, long-lasting relationships.
But if the relationship is toxic, it is likely to create the exact opposite effect. That brings us to a very important question: how to identify a toxic relationship?
There’s no standard test to put a relationship through to find that out. However, there are several pointers that can be read as red flags. If you find one or more of these in your relationship, you may want to take a moment and rethink about the future of such a relationship.
Related: How to get out of a toxic relationship.
1. LACK OF MUTUAL RESPECT
If there is one thing that is an absolute must to make any relationship work, it is respect. Yes, you read that right, it is more important than love. Respect for the other person’s views, liking, opinions and ideas can never fail to build up a strong bond in any relationship. You don’t have to agree to it, but you can always respect it. For example, you may not like Punjabi food but that doesn’t mean you have to mock that cuisine or the person who likes it. If you are constantly disrespected for your choices and preferences by someone important, may be it’s time to take that importance away from that person.
2. LACK OF COMMUNICATION
Are you afraid of having a conversation with someone for the fear of starting an argument? Does every conversation eventually look like a war to you, even if it starts off on a light note? Are you avoiding the talks on some pretext or the other because your experience tells you that the less you talk to that person, the more you conserve your energy? There you go, you’ve found your red flags. Communication is the key to connection. If you can’t have a healthy, normal conversation with a person, clearly, there’s lack of connection too. Expect no magic in a relationship that lacks these key elements.
3. QUANTITY OVER QUALITY
Most of the time, people confuse quality with quantity in case of time. It doesn’t matter how many hours you spend with each other because it’s all about how you feel about the minutes that you spend together. If being with the person makes you want to end the day sooner or if you hang up the phone regularly with a heavy head after a conversation with that person, you have something to worry about. A whole day may seem like a breeze when you are happy with someone. But if thinking about the time spent together makes you feel unhappy or even disgusted, it’s probably time to take a tough call.
4. LACK OF TRUST
No relationship can stand the test of time without the cement of trust binding the blocks of love, compassion and togetherness. If you find that missing in your life, your relationship is likely to crumble sooner or later. Lack of trust is often a reflection of the person lacking the trust. People see in others the qualities that they are capable of displaying. If someone resorts to micromanaging your life, snooping over your phone or social network accounts, doubting your loyalty and integrity at every step, you’ve something to worry about. And, no, it is definitely not an expression of love or an over-protective nature. It is just a proof of someone’s insecurity and low self-worth. Being in a relationship with such a person is dangerous for one’s emotional health and mental well-being. It’s almost like living in a prison.
5. BRINGS OUT THE WORST IN YOU
A great relationship is one that helps you become the best version of yourself. Even if doesn’t bring out the best in you, it must not stop you from flourishing in your own rights. But if your relationship often brings out the worst in you, makes you irritated, pushes you to the brink where you lose your calm and leaves you agitated hours after the conflict, are you in a relationship or in a war?
Related: How to build a strong relationship
6. CONSTANT CRITICISM
Our loved ones always mean the best for us and hence are our best critics. However, if you find someone deriving sadistic pleasure out of constantly criticising you, it’s time to draw a line. Such criticism breeds toxicity that no amount of love can remove. It can reduce a person’s self-worth and ruin one’s confidence. Then, the ripple effect begins to spread to other areas, beyond the relationship. If well-meant criticism is not backed with encouragement and appreciation, it’s a recipe for disaster.
7. COMPARISON, COMPETITION, ENVY
A relationship where people treat each other as competitors can’t be called successful by any measure. You can’t focus on beating each other in some imaginary war if you hope to establish a strong bond. If wins are not celebrated together and failure of one person becomes a reason to rejoice for the other one, it is anything but a healthy relationship. Some even end up comparing their loved ones or their own lives with outsiders. They remain with a feeling of self-induced dissatisfaction. If you’re stuck with a person who forever finds a reason to be unhappy, because either they can’t see you succeed or their lives are not up-to-the-mark in comparison with someone else, you too can kiss happiness goodbye.
8. LACK OF SUPPORT
Every human being needs to feel supported and nurtured. Be it your dreams and goals or your passion and hobbies, it can become a struggle to pursue these if you lack support from the significant person in your life. This wouldn’t just hinder someone’s growth but could lead to the feeling of being unwanted and worthlessness.
9. VICTIMHOOD
A classic behavior of toxic people is to play the victim when they don’t have it their way or when they fail to get the upper hand. In almost every such situation, any attempt to have a healthy conversation leads to drama. These people cannot accept their share of responsibility to keep a relationship healthy. As a result, they squarely blame the other person for all distress. Watch out for this behavior. If you’re the one constantly apologizing to maintain peace in a relationship, you are certainly stuck with the wrong person.
10. DISHONESTY
Nothing damages a relationship as badly as dishonesty. You may have the best interests in your heart to hold on to your end of the bargain, but the other person’s dishonesty is bound to snap the rope. Trying to ignore dishonesty to give value to love is like watering a dead plant because you liked its flowers once. A person who brings deceit and lies to the table is not worth sharing the meal with for the rest of your life.
One toxic relationship is enough to drain away all the energy and positivity from life, leaving a person emotionally and mentally vulnerable to greater risks. Increasing number of people are succumbing to suicidal tendencies, stemming from depression. Studies say that personal conflicts or disputes with family members or friends and emotional abuse are amongst the top reasons that can be attributed to depression and suicides. All these have a common source: a toxic relationship.
There has been a steady increase in the number of people talking about emotional wellness and mental health these days. But we are yet to acknowledge that emotional wellbeing cannot be achieved if a person continues to endure a toxic relationship. It’s high time people start identifying such painful associations. Identification only can give respite, either in the form of corrective measures within the relationship, or by disconnecting from the toxic people.