Why are people averse to CHANGE in others?
Change is inevitable. Change is the only constant.
Mornings change to nights
Nights change to day.
Seasons change.
Moods change.
Appearances change
We change our clothes
We change our room décor.
Change is happening around us constantly and continuously.
Yet if there is one thing that humans are averse to, it is change. More so, if we have to deal with change in a person.
Very often I have come across this helpless question, both on social media and from my own clients, “Why do people change?” The question itself screams of helplessness and hopelessness. You can easily tell that the question is coming from a jilted lover or a friend who is hurt or a spouse who feels that love in the relationship has flown out of the window. It seems like they have never seen anything change in their life. Worse, they speak as if they have never gone through any change themselves.
EVERYBODY IS GOING THROUGH CHANGE!
Whether we like it or not, change is unavoidable. Even the height of the Himalayas is changing every day. In a good way or bad, humans change too. With each passing day, an individual gathers new experience and information from life. These are then processed in the subconscious mind in a certain way, leading to the alteration of beliefs, needs, preferences and eventually decisions. Sometimes the change is drastic, so it is visible to all. In other times, the change is too gradual to be felt instantly, like the changing height of the Himalayas.
But, the bottom-line is, change is taking place in all of us, whether we notice it, acknowledge it or accept it or not. The sooner we accept this fact that even humans change, the better we would be able to handle situations.
WHY THIS RESISTANCE TO CHANGE?
The peculiar thing about human behaviour is that we know and believe that we are the smartest creature on this planet. This belief is deeply embedded in our mind. We love to be in the controlling position of any given situation. May be because of this, we have this strange love-hate relationship with change. We like change only when we feel that the consequences of that change would be favourable for us and we will have some command in the situation. Else, we vehemently oppose any idea of the slightest of change. If the change throws us off the position of control in any situation, we resist that change.
Why does this happen? Why are we receptive to change only when we like its consequences?
BLAME THE BRAIN
You can blame the brain for this resistance to change. To be more precise, blame the way our brain is wired to function.
The human brain has two basic functions: to keep us safe and to keep us happy. It’s no brainer that familiarity breeds comfort. So anything that the brain is used to, it feels comfortable with. Whenever there is a change in our familiar environment, the brain tries to evaluate the consequences of that change. If it perceives the change as friendly, it accepts it, if it perceives the change as hostile, it resists it.
Let’s see how that works.
When you wake up every morning, you brush your teeth. Perhaps more often than not, you walk rather sleepily to the bathroom and reach out for the toothbrush. It requires almost zero conscious effort from you. You know the way to the bathroom, you know where the sink is and you know where you brush and toothpaste are. Even if you replace your old brush with a new one, you will be just as much on auto pilot for this morning routine. The change in the brush would not matter to you because new, better bristles are a welcome change. Your brain doesn’t resist this change.
But one day, if you find your brush set missing from the usual place, your brain will immediately sound the alarm bell. You will be shaken out of the sleepy morning. You will start looking for the brush and toothpaste. If the new location of the toothbrush kit is not as per your liking, you’ll demand it to be changed back to the original place for your convenience. That’s because your brain would consider even this slightest change as a ‘pain’.
If this is the way we react to such a small change, it’s no surprise that change in a person can hit us as a big surprise.
PEOPLE CHANGE. FOR GOOD OR FOR BAD.
A mother whose son is not serious about his studies, prays for a change in him. She wants him to become studious. A wife who feels neglected expects the husband to change. She wants the romance back in her relationship. An employee not getting due recognition wants the boss to change. He wants his value to be understood by him. Whenever, the current behaviour of a fellow being becomes the cause of our own pain, we want the person to change. We want the change to lead us to a ‘happy’ experience. The son scoring good marks, the husband bringing flowers for the wife, the boss recognizing and appreciating his employee: each of these changes are welcome, because such changes make us happy. So people not only wish for them but sometimes even demand such kind of a change in a person. The premise of this want is the belief that people can and do change.
However, it makes us incredibly uncomfortable if someone’s change affects us adversely. It implies a consequence that is undesirable. The change becomes even more unbearable when the change leads to an emotional crisis for someone, like a breakup or a divorce. Needless to say, our brain that is assigned a job to keep us happy, resists it with all might.
As people go through life and experience new things, they change their behaviour, priorities and values in a way which they find most suitable for themselves. A lover wanting to move out of a relationship, a childhood friend refusing monetary help to his buddy, a son ignoring his parents to be with his family or friends: these may not be welcome change for others. But that’s what they chose because they are naturally being pushed to THEIR priorities that keeps THEM happy. What alters their priorities? What brings about the change? Well, that is entirely an individual’s own experiences and choices. The debate is not whether it is morally or ethically right or wrong, the point is, it is human nature to change. That this change affects others too and hence one should be mindful about other’s emotional bearings in their life, is a discussion that we can leave for some other time.
ACCEPT THE REALITY
No relationship remains just the same throughout its lifetime. Change is the most natural process in it. Sometimes, it is this very change that makes the relationship beautiful and strong. Sometimes, the change is painful and traumatizing. But that’s the way it is meant to be. The most important people in your life can become total strangers overnight. Total strangers can become the most important people in your life overnight.
We can’t control the change in a person. We can only hope to influence it to some extent. A person who has fallen out of love may not stay in the relationship. An employee who didn’t get a raise may switch loyalty. A parent who has felt disrespected may choose to disown the son, a friend whose trust was broken may not lend money. What drives a person to drastic change may not always be clear, but their visible behaviour may leave people around him in shock sometimes.
Communication between two warring countries can stop a war. So it goes without saying that clear and constructive conversations between two people can change any situation for good, where both are happy. However, there is no guarantee that this would stop a person from changing or initiate the change that is expected of him. The change is driven by a person’s own decision. The trigger may be anything, but the change is entirely an internal process.
Accepting this change in a person, with grace and maturity, can change the way you feel about that ever-so-common question which bothers you: “Why do people change?”!